I had government insurance last year, and lost it. It's been a year without meds now. I was doing alright for a while, managed the symptoms through routine and physical activity, but I'm really struggling this month. The catatonic phase lasted for so fucking long I barely even recognized it was starting. But I'm seeing the altars again, the shadow people, social interaction is starting to become unbearably anxious, I feel like the person in my brain watching me fry the egg. The lines going between everything. One of them is watching me.
And this psychosis wave is fucking terrible compared to my last one. When shit started popping off for me, it was this dream like euphoric mania, where I'd see things like tree leaves on a color gradient, or start hearing full songs just start playing out of nowhere. The only way I can describe it is feeling like a main character of a play. Not in the sense that I'm particularly important or unique, more in the way that it felt like whoever was watching wasn't a stalker but like a film director, picking when to play songs. I used to hallucinate friends I hadn't spoken to in years, and would occasionally get to have chats with "them". This all was extremely unhealthy, but at least it was pretty easy to cope with.
It felt infinitely funnier back then. As time has gone on, the thought irregularities have become darker and more disruptive. First episode lasted really long before the mania crash, but this just feels like already being in the mania crash and it only has lower to go
I know I need to be on meds, but I haven't had money or insurance for it. America wants schizophrenic people in psychosis and homeless.
It could be worth the time to try this shitty free mental health place again and be very insistent (beg if you must) that X drug at X dose worked really well for you before. If they prescribe you something else, just don't fill the script. Then all you've lost is an afternoon and no money. Bring the empty pill bottle if you still have one, or your prescription record from the pharmacy. You can download it from most US ones.
My other advice would be to get a social worker. They can help you cut through red tape.
In my state if you get kicked off of medicaid you have 90 days to call them and get back onto it and it's actually not super difficult. And my state had to be dragged kicking and screaming into medicaid expansion.
~~Or if they agree to it, ReadFanon could mail you their otc version of the drug with a bogus return address. I would pay for it via PayPal or cash app if it's expensive to ship. Send them your address through a secure channel if you do this.~~
Solidarity, I'm so sorry this is so hard when it should be easy.