I had government insurance last year, and lost it. It's been a year without meds now. I was doing alright for a while, managed the symptoms through routine and physical activity, but I'm really struggling this month. The catatonic phase lasted for so fucking long I barely even recognized it was starting. But I'm seeing the altars again, the shadow people, social interaction is starting to become unbearably anxious, I feel like the person in my brain watching me fry the egg. The lines going between everything. One of them is watching me.
And this psychosis wave is fucking terrible compared to my last one. When shit started popping off for me, it was this dream like euphoric mania, where I'd see things like tree leaves on a color gradient, or start hearing full songs just start playing out of nowhere. The only way I can describe it is feeling like a main character of a play. Not in the sense that I'm particularly important or unique, more in the way that it felt like whoever was watching wasn't a stalker but like a film director, picking when to play songs. I used to hallucinate friends I hadn't spoken to in years, and would occasionally get to have chats with "them". This all was extremely unhealthy, but at least it was pretty easy to cope with.
It felt infinitely funnier back then. As time has gone on, the thought irregularities have become darker and more disruptive. First episode lasted really long before the mania crash, but this just feels like already being in the mania crash and it only has lower to go
I know I need to be on meds, but I haven't had money or insurance for it. America wants schizophrenic people in psychosis and homeless.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9v0BnhvkJZ0 this random spontaneous lecture on psychotic disorders while this dr dude was playing disco elysium actually really helped me w others and myself by learning about the specific mechanics about how psychotic disorders work and the discrete effects of them. its nice to know for instance that the paranoia is simply a matter of the brain not being able to discern what information is relevant and important vs irrelevant and unimportant, and that the crossing of the lines leads to strategic and rational attempts to fill in the blanks. hope you can get something out of it.
his channel in general is an attempt to democratize access to scientific mental health treatment and might be worth a scroll through.
Thanks for the channel recommendation! This looks great.