I'm going to try and keep this clear and concise.
I'm not confident in my parenting. I don't feel like I've been a good parent, but I have done the best that I can with the tools and resources that I have.
My 18 y/o has lived with us since she was 4. My partner has been in my 18y/o's life since they were 13 months old.
18y/o is copy->paste of their deadbeat mother and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know what I can do about it at this point.
I have tried to instill structure, while allowing wiggle room at times. I recognize that it's my job as the parent to draw hard lines and it's my kids job to push the boundaries and cross those lines.
18y/o is almost mute around us. Doesn't communicate much of anything beyond surface level 'pleasantries'. And it's more often than not, anything but pleasant. They (biological female) are diagnosed with ADHD, 'change disorder', anxiety and depression. I've done so much reading trying to figure out this person and how I can help, but nothing seems to help. Kid has never really be honest with therapists. Lies for no reason, and doubles down even when presented with irrefutable evidence that they've been caught. If I had to 'self-diagnose', they have ODD and are a sociopath, but I've seen how they behave around friends and peers. They only have disregard for us. Outside the home, they are a people pleaser. But if we suggest something, or ask for something to be done, it's a fight, every time.
They are a senior in high school, is a good student when there's nothing rocking their boat, but had steadily declining grades as the school year presses on. I have no idea what's going on in their life, everything is responded to with a random selection of the following list:
I don't know
I don't remember
I don't know how you want me to answer that
Do you want me to respond?
I don't see what the problem is.
I don't see how this is a big deal.
The current argument is regarding whether we should be expected to wake them up for school in the morning. I've already put my foot down about it, and since December 1st, they've already walked themselves to school twice because they overslept.
They are impossible to motivate. When things finally come to a head and an argument breaks out, which typically boils over because there can be no constructive conversation with someone who is either unable or unwilling to have a conversation. And only when the argument breaks out do we get any action on anything, and then it's an overcorrection. For example, we've been pushing for them to fill out scholarship applications for 8 months. We've had friends provide spreadsheets with links to what we collectively think are viable scholarships, for no action responses. Then when we finally get a break in the wall, they fill out scholarship applications for tens of thousands of dollars for enrollment in a school states away with misleading GPA information. We are not in a financial position to accommodate that kind of enrollment, even if we wanted to support the decision. It comes off as an "I'll show them" move.
Nevermind the drivers license thing. Can't get them to get off their ass and get their license. It's been a battle for 2 years. Something always goes wrong. Last time I pressed on it hard, we ended up in intensive outpatient therapy.
They're unmanageable and I don't know what to do for or with them. Our home is small, 800 sqft and it's a hell hole. My partner has almost left me twice over this kid's behavior over the years. Partner and kid do not get along at all at this point, and has lead to a false CPS report so my kid could try and move in with their crush's family.
There so much context missing but there's no time or room for 18 years of back story.
I don't know if there's a question here, but I need help or support, or something. Any stories or advice anyone cares to relay would be appreciated. I'm terrified that once this kid leaves, I'm never going to hear from them again. But I can't control that, and I recognize it.
Thanks for reading.
You talked an awful lot about your kid.
How are you doing?
Your 18yo sounds like a grown up version of my 4.5 year old. Honestly if you said the arguments were about potty training we’d be talking about the same person.
How were they, when they started living with you full time, with regards to pottying? Difficult? Regressive? Headstrong?
I ask because how you are doing, because I started seeing a therapist for my own struggles with parenting. And it’s probably the best thing I’ve ever done. It really gives a chance to reflect and get honest constructive feedback on how I approach and handle interactions and discipline and whatnot. Most importantly, how to deal with stresses of parenting a difficult kid and not criticize yourself too harshly at every setback.
Please, if you haven’t already, consider a therapist for you, preferably one who specializes in family issues.
Hi.
Not great. I'm actively looking for a therapist because I can't keep feeling this way.
They have always been difficult. We were told by one therapist "buckle up, because it's only going to get worse". Positive reinforcement always led to regressive behavior. Negative reinforcement
I have felt so little positivity from being a parent. I wanted nothing more than to be present and participate in the milestones everyone always talks about. But my teen has made every one of those events a literal fight. Maybe it's their anxiety and it manifests and anger or whatever, but they can be so hurtful and mean. Then they flip it and tell everyone who listens that it was my fault, and that I don't support them, or I berate them or whatever. Like, how can any of that be true? I respect their pronouns, and orientation, and who they choose to keep their company with. I ask for bare minimum "with who/where/when" questions, and ask for updates when plans change (I don't get updates). Then I have to put on the caring parent face when they come home upset because Tammy knocked their Boba over or whatever. We have been clear that all we want for her is success in life, and to be happy with who they partner with and to be safe.
And for what? To be lied to again? To be ignored again?
Its demoralizing and depressing. I'm so sad and I'm looking for a therapist.
You two are stuck in a feedback loop. It’s a really tough spot to be in until you realize it and work on it.
Anxiety in a hostile environment (or the perception of being in a hostile environment) will be met with reciprocal hostility. And then things escalate, and then repressed, and it continues. You two are fanning each others flames. You may be more alike than you realize or care to admit.
Good luck finding a therapist. Remember it’s a lot like dating…you may get lucky on the first meeting, you might find yourself completely incompatible with them, or you may find someone that you’re comfortable enough with to build a good rapport with over multiple sessions.
I appreciate you. Thanks.
No worries. Good luck.
Please see my last comment (chronologically, before this one in my profile). Your initial post hits especially close to home for me because I’ve been on both sides, both as a parent (currently, feeling the same type of frustrations, albeit not as fermented), and as the kid (having been in the position your kid would be in if finding this post a couple years from now).