(Content warning: This is an anxiety driven vent post. I talk a bit about politics and payment processing. Not for the faint of heart).
Hey Yiffit and other instance peeps, currently going through a rough spot mental health wise and could use some sympathetic thoughts. Or maybe even a bap on the snout with a newspaper because I'm worrying over nothing.
For context, due to events I shan't go into, I've been feeling quite bad anxiety. And my anxiety takes the form of latching onto things and just not letting go... Also, due to my neurotype and upbringing, I have difficulty breaking "rules", even if everyone else is doing it. I also live so much online and need to touch grass, I know.
Anyway, as you can probably guess, this has unfortunately latched onto my enjoyment of adult content. And that is a rich fertile land of things to be worried and angry about.
I live in what I'd describe as a country with an "Americanised European" culture, which I'd assume would be cool with most forms of sexual expression. But not really; BDSM is technically illegal (by way of a law that was only really used decades ago to prosecute gay people) and they banned depictions of the female orgasm until 2019. You also need to provide strict proof of age to look at porn on mobile internet.
They also passed a law recently requiring websites hosting adult content to perform strict age verification. People I trust say that this law likely won't actually result in anything, but it's a worry and these laws have been cropping up in many places...
Google requires a credit card to use adult stuff, Reddit is threatening to do it, and I don't see Discord lasting long once news breaks about the "teenage dating servers" stuff. I can see this sort of thing being normalised, and sites that don't do it getting shut down one way or another...
I also made the regrettable decision of looking up payment processors which... I don't recommend doing. There's so much bullshit there and they have control over so much stuff, especially niche fetish and bdsm stuff.
And commissioners and porn sites seem to both use Paypal and/or Strype in such a flagrant disregard for their terms of use that either they have a special agreement or there's an unspoken rule that they allow this sort of thing unless you draw attention to yourself in a negative way.
I really hate that and think it's fucked up. If you allow nsfw stuff, put it in your terms of service.
I sometimes get these "positive intrusive thoughts" of hopes and optimism. I have a habit of pushing them away, but... Well, I want to be optimistic and think that attitudes are warming up to this stuff.
Maybe subscribing to onlyfans and having an ad twitter/masto/bsky is becoming normalised. Maybe all of this stuff is just fascist people fighting hard to get control of the narrative they are losing. Maybe it's a classic case of the lawmakers being very out of touch with culture.
It seems to me that most major lgbt-friendly fediverse instances are also nsfw-friendly, which is nice. And Subscribestar seems to be promising.
Anyway, sorry for my rambling thoughts. Just wanted to get stuff off my chest. Sorry if it reads rambly.
I guess I keep posting these kinds of things, in various names and places, in the hope of finding that one "nugget of hope". That one piece of information that can prove to me that maybe everything isn't so bad. That the mental prison I trap myself in isn't real. That... Doesn't seem likely with this, and I really don't know how to handle it.
I need hope, I need coping mechanisms, I need something to stop these unhealthy behaviours. Hell at this point I'll take hugs or hedpats.
And yes, I do see professional help and I think it works. But at the same time... I do feel like I'm living "paycheck to paycheck" with appointments.
I truly do appreciate the people here who help out and be friendly and give me a nice safe space, so thank you.
I'm not nearly as qualified as your professional help, but there are always bright spots and safe spaces to exist when you're low. Everyone is exhausted these days, and you're not going to change the world by dedicating your entire life to worrying about it. Take what you can and fight for what you're able to, but don't overexert yourself. Ideally half the fight needs to be done by people who are not the minorities in question - these people have the most privilege and population to actually enact change. E.g., telling the homeless to fight for themselves is not how you end homelessness.
That is something I need to work on, yes. I'm very stubborn and just keep hitting my head against the wall, thinking about things until a problem drops out. Burning myself out trying to find a solution to a problem which I can't solve. There are people out there with a lot more resources and a lot more energy fighting on my behalf out there, and I should just let them do it.
I still have no idea how people can seemingly be happy, posting memes, enjoying themselves in fursuits and then switch to posting serious concerns about things that directly affect their wellbeing, and then back to posting pictures of their 'sona naked. It feels like people have some kind of magical "switch" in their head that allows them to postpone and not worry about these things, that my autistic brain just lacks.
Anyway, thanks for helping me out, even though I'm effectively just a stranger. I appreciate it.
For me I take an effort to recognize its out of my control. Once I do that and focus on the fact there is nothing I can do about it I can move on. Some things have a little staying power, but once I try and focus on the next thing it slowly fades away.
I can't comment on fursuits, but I did wear my college mascot costume when I tried out. It was... freeing. Even though it was only a few minutes, and I cringe at the horrible skit I tried to do. While wearing it and performing, I was able to do things I would never have been able to do in front of others without wearing it.
Overall I would say it is a dissociation to a degree. A 'sona isn't them, its someone else with different goals, fears, wants, and abilities.