Asklemmy

Preach. I played piano and guitar growing up (no lessons, just dicked around until it made sense) and had a much lesser but similar experience. I worked long hours at work and did volunteer church stuff as the #2 of stage production while playing bass or guitar or running the sound board and also had a band that had an offer for a record deal (which was a shit deal but I digress). Then, in the middle of all that, while I was struggling for food and money at age 24, my mom suddenly died.

I stopped going to band practice and my bandmates weren't capable of understanding what I was going through so they fired me and at that point I didn't care. I went through the motions to keep the church stuff together. I didn't touch my guitar or piano at home for nearly a year. Until one day, I just did for whatever reason. And I recorded a little two track cover (1 acoustic, 1 voice) of Green Eyes by Coldplay (because my mom had green eyes). And I spent maybe an hour mixing it in audacity and then threw it up on YouTube, idk why. Maybe as a little "hey, I think I'm gonna be okay after all" sorta update for my friends and family. I kinda got back into it, but as I've gotten busy with having a more successful career and meeting the woman who's now my wife and moving away from the musicians in my life, I've shifted away from it again.

I've tried to get back into it at least a little bit, but I'm in an apartment and can't feel comfortable making much noise, plus my guitar needs some attention and I just can't muster up the motivation to fix it up myself. I've asked my wife to take it somewhere for the TLC it needs for a Christmas gift, but idk if that's actually gonna happen.

A guy at work seemed to have really similar music tastes to me so I let slip that I play, and I showed him something I threw together in like 2 hours while under the influence. My dumbass texted him a link of it and he showed like half the people we work with, so now everybody knows I'm not just some amateur who learned Wonderwall at 15. And now I feel that pressure to do something with it. Like I'm letting people down by not taking this skill or talent or gift or whatever you wanna call it and sharing it at every opportunity. And that's a feeling I did not miss. I just wanted a small project to myself so I could feel proud that I wasn't wasting away on the couch, not to feel like a letdown that my ability was wasted on me. It makes me feel disappointed in myself for halting it while also feeling external pressure from people that I know mean to show support by being interested. I'm paralyzed and I hate that I can't just do it and finish the project and feel complete and put it down. There's no closure and I'm terrified that there never will be and it's like I'm awake with anesthesia and I'm totally powerless as I watch my years tick away with no complete music project to show for all the countless hours of honing my craft.

So yeah, I'm a little fucked up by music too, I guess.