I'm a hairy, small dick, morbidly obese, semi-virgin 35 year old guy.
Between my crippling social anxiety, zero self esteem, and OCD-ish fear that if I am near cum I'll get AIDS and die... I've only had a single sexual partner my entire life.
When I was 25 I was a 100% never been kissed virgin. I lost 75 lbs (315 to 240, currently 355), felt way better about myself, and sort of had a casual thing with a coworker where with lots of jerking and sucking, but no butt stuff because I was a scaredy cat. Then that guy moved away. I thought that he was the jumping off point to being normal, but I went back into my shell (and gained all my weight back).
I'm 35 now, certainly not getting any younger.
I finally have a real deal big boy job making adequate money.
I was thinking... Why don't I get my HPV vaccine, Hep A/C vaccine, PreP, and some Bluechew and just hire a prostitute so that I can get fucked by a human instead of a piece of plastic I sometimes stick up my butt while masturbating? I won't care what he thinks about my body because I'm literally paying him.
Then I thought - where do you even find a prostitute? There are escort sites, but they all seem to be in the city (I live in the suburbs about 25 miles away). What if I get caught and it's like the police? Do I need to rent a hotel room or have them come over my house? Can I just find a local, muscular, hot, college boy on Grindr and offer him like $500?
Maybe I should just lower my physical expectations and try to go on an actual date with someone in my age and league? How will I hide how incredibly anxious and awkward and inexperienced I am? I literally wouldn't fuck me.
Maybe I should just go to the 50+ year old guy on Grindr that's like 3000 ft away that has a bio that says he'll suck anybody. I wonder what kinds of STDs you can get from sucking dozens or hundreds of dicks?
Maybe I should get on Ozempic?
All that I know for sure is I want to do something.
I know everything about HIV. It's just sort of an irrational phobia.
I mean I know everything about HIV. Like down to the different classes of meds and how they work to stop viral replication. I was sort of obsessed for a while.
Remember on/r/askgaybros everyday there would be a post that's like this...
That's like something I'd post assuming I ever have sex.
It's sort of like when I explain to my mom that air travel is the safest form of transportation. Your chances of being involved in a fatal air crash during your lifetime is 1 in 1.2 million vs 1 in 5000 driving. There hasn't been a fatal commercial airline crash since 2009 in the US. Southwest, the airline we're on, has never had a fatal crash in it's history.
Regardless of that knowledge, she's still scared of flying anyway. In the same way I'm still scared of HIV. Maybe that's like a need therapy thing.