I had two months to make an application, I spent all of summer in my room on my bed, with the occasional psych-appointment (on the rare chance I didn’t cancel). So because it’s quite urgent that I submit this, my mind is shutting down, feeling sleepy despite sleeping all day, locked in my room, it’s quite warm but I feel terribly cold. I can’t ask what do I do, because I know what I need to do: just do the application! But for some reason, my mind does not want to. Like I have this IDGAF attitude when a lot is at stake if I don’t submit this application.
I’ve got no one to talk to because I don’t want to and I don’t have the energy to lie or smile. I even feel like a fraud claiming that I’m feeling apathetic because I hate this state. And hate is an emotion. I hate that I have all these memories of the person I used to be, before all this. I was punctual, less feeling, organised and my motivation run deep. Now I’m not even a shell of who I was, I don’t even aim to be like I was. I’m just aaaaaarregh.
Edit:
So after yoyoing between pitying myself and being disappointed, I took a walk, then got on the tram. Was a lot less anxious when I returned, I just did the application. The walk honestly was motivated by you guys. I feel so hypocritical that I tell this to my closest friend and my sister when this mood hits, but I can’t tell it to myself. Also, I’m still cold, but I’m okay with it because the anxiety of the application is gone now that I have submitted it (I don’t expect much from it, pessimist here, but I’m relieved it’s over and done with). Thank you. I even rescheduled my appointment, and took doses as prescribed (I’ve been intentionally missing my doses as I don’t feel any better).
Thanks for checking in. Really. Like I didn’t expect it, and honestly you’ve made my morning.
So the application did go through, I should resume studies next week, but I have to deal with the nitty gritties of bureaucracy, which makes me anxious. I slept for 4 hours last night which is an achievement. Woke up on time, but not doing anything at the time I intended. I don’t feel too motivated, but I’m also not feeling care-free as I normally do. I’ve had breakfast, something I typically don’t like, and I feel okay. So now, shower time, then head to administration. I’m hoping this lasts, because: you know how at the beginning of things, like when you have a clean slate, you have this unbelievable drive, which lasts only a minute until you fall back into old habits. That’s what I fear now.
I woke up feeling grateful today to whatever higher being orchestrates this, I remember saying Thank You. And now, I’m even more grateful that random strangers online remember/check up on me. I really do feel somewhat humanised. Thank you.
And how are you mojo? What is on for you today? What is off for you today?