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Feeling Cold, Anxious and Apathetic maybe (mander.xyz)

submitted 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

18 comments fedilink hide all child comments

I had two months to make an application, I spent all of summer in my room on my bed, with the occasional psych-appointment (on the rare chance I didn’t cancel). So because it’s quite urgent that I submit this, my mind is shutting down, feeling sleepy despite sleeping all day, locked in my room, it’s quite warm but I feel terribly cold. I can’t ask what do I do, because I know what I need to do: just do the application! But for some reason, my mind does not want to. Like I have this IDGAF attitude when a lot is at stake if I don’t submit this application.

I’ve got no one to talk to because I don’t want to and I don’t have the energy to lie or smile. I even feel like a fraud claiming that I’m feeling apathetic because I hate this state. And hate is an emotion. I hate that I have all these memories of the person I used to be, before all this. I was punctual, less feeling, organised and my motivation run deep. Now I’m not even a shell of who I was, I don’t even aim to be like I was. I’m just aaaaaarregh.

Edit:

So after yoyoing between pitying myself and being disappointed, I took a walk, then got on the tram. Was a lot less anxious when I returned, I just did the application. The walk honestly was motivated by you guys. I feel so hypocritical that I tell this to my closest friend and my sister when this mood hits, but I can’t tell it to myself. Also, I’m still cold, but I’m okay with it because the anxiety of the application is gone now that I have submitted it (I don’t expect much from it, pessimist here, but I’m relieved it’s over and done with). Thank you. I even rescheduled my appointment, and took doses as prescribed (I’ve been intentionally missing my doses as I don’t feel any better).

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[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I can tell that you're overstressed and anxious. What is application in reference to? Is it an actual application like a form or is a digital app like you get on a smart phone. I apologize if I've over analyzed your situation and if I completely missed the key notes of what kind of application it is.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

I really was overstressed. Truly. The application was for re-enrolment. It does involve digital app, but I had to present myself physically to a certain office (which I always dread because it means summoning energy I don’t have). And anxious, yes. It’s been like my normal state for a while now. Now, I’m okayish. I know it’s temporary, but I submitted the application so at least I can gasp (usual me would breathe)