Transfem

I know, but… idk… it still feels wrong. I’ve been taught for a very long time that trans people have no place in my culture, and that it is my duty to uphold my masculinity. I know I’m wrong, but it’s really hard to deprogram yourself after years of being taught.

Honestly, I don't have much in the way of easy ideas of how to deal with this. I'd start by deconstructing the idea of "duty" entirely, try and take time to understand what might have caused you to feel that way as well as trying to examine your own reasoning. If it's that you've had the concept "drilled in", then my best bet would be to make a conscious effort to understand the exact flaws in that idea based on what you actually value, and then every time you start feeling that way, manually retread those reasoning steps to deconstruct the feeling nya.

It's not easy to do this, it requires continuous conscious effort to examine your own thoughts, but if you do it often, you can start to change this semi-instinctive thought process and avoid it.

Also reminding yourself of your own negative feelings towards the concept at the same time can help, I would think.

I guess more exposure to trans culture will help, but it’s hard when even interacting with the trans community feels wrong. Maybe you know a way to make it easier?

I don't know a way to make it super easy. Making specific trans friends with shared hobbies may help, if spending time with them is enjoyable it will make it easier to avoid drifting away because of the fact your feel shame at being associated with trans people. Also just try and specifically and consciously remind yourself that it is not wrong to associate with trans people when you start to feel that way. Basically the same advice as previous, which requires a fair amount of effort nya

But, I’ll be honest, my biggest problem right now is just how much I’ve tried to seek out transphobic content lately, it’s almost like a form of self harm. It’s even worse when I internalized and accepted the transphobic things I’ve found.

Of course, it’s harmful, and I’ve tried my best to stop myself from looking at transphobic content. But, in a way, I keep coming back for no reason.

I just wanted a way to stop myself from thinking and accepting transphobic stuff within. Maybe you know a way to help me stop looking at transphobic content as a form of self harm?

I honestly don't know an easy solution. I've only experienced this a little bit, and for me it mostly comes in the form of getting myself involved in unhealthy and stressful internet debates and having it consume my attention very disproportionately.

The best I can suggest is be very aggressive in blocking these kinds of things from any feeds you might be reading them on, but for stuff you actively seek out this doesn't help as much, and it doesn't stop whatever the underlying issue is that causes you to seek out hurtful things - being in a stressful and presumably unsafe cultural environment certainly won't be helping I imagine ;-;.

Reading about trans people being happy might be helpful too. Often, a lot of trans communities and media about trans people is focused on our misery, death, suffering, etc. nya. However, trans people can be and are often happy too, transition itself is deeply liberating and has made me a much happier person in my experience. Gender euphoria is a thing and it's great, and if you are like myself experience compersion (happiness when others are happy even if you aren't directly taking part, often used with respect to polyamorous relationships but it can also apply to other things) this may help somewhat.