Transfem

It all started about 37 years ago. I was born male and I was content. Sure, I was a bit disconnected, like I was just along for the ride and not really part of my own life. "That's just how life is," I thought. "Everybody feels this way, right? So why question it?" I certainly couldn't talk to my verbally and physically abusive, mostly-absent father about it.

I did well enough in school, made mostly male friends, never got bullied, and I was content. Sure, I wanted desperately to know what being female would be like, and jumped at every opportunity to pretend just a bit. "But that's normal, right? Who wouldn't want to be a different gender, at least for a day?"

In my 20s, I met a wonderful woman, we got married, and about 4 years ago, we had a baby. The moment I found out we were having a girl, my heart soared and my mind raced, thinking of all the fun girl stuff I'd finally be able to do using my future daughter as an excuse. "I just wanna be a good, present dad," I thought. "Of course I'll ~~get~~ have to do girl stuff with her!"

Earlier this year, I had a major epiphany and came out as nonbinary (take a look at my post history for that whole story).

I've been trying to figure myself out since then. I defaulted to nonbinary because I'm a dad and don't want to confuse my young daughter, and it meant I could feel comfortable finally embracing my femininity, if only a little. I started wearing skirts and dresses to work, even out into the world at large, and it felt wonderful. I kept my shaved head and big beard, though, because those were my armor.

But I'm a bit impulsive, and a few days ago, I shaved my beard and bought a beautiful, long, colorful wig. I wore it to work earlier this week, and the utter euphoria of my wonderful coworkers referring to me as she/her sent me places I'd never been emotionally. I'd never felt so seen.

But I was still Dad at home, so I couldn't allow myself to consider a full transition.

Being endlessly curious, and definitely not because I wanted to fully transition, I researched gender dysphoria and HRT, and the impacts they can have on the mind. When I got to the section about DPDR - depersonalization and derealization - I was floored. The description reflected exactly how I've felt my whole life up until I started embracing my femininity. "But that's normal, isn't it? ... Everyone doesn't feel this way?"

I had a long talk with my partner yesterday, and she helped me to feel comfortable with the idea of being a trans woman. She assured me that our daughter would adjust and would still love me regardless - that I could still be her dad, even if I wasn't a man.

We went out to a restaurant and did some shopping yesterday, myself in my full feminine attire, wig and all. She wanted to show me off, and I wanted to let her.

I may have a masculine jaw, a pesky beard shadow, and a bit too deep of a voice, but for that brief time that we were out, I was unabashedly a woman. I'd never felt so alive, so present - I was no longer a passenger in my own life.

I was a content, binary male. Then I was nonbinary. Now I'm making my way back to the binary, but this time as a woman.

The next step is scheduling a visit with a gender counselor to get a prescription to start myself on HRT, and I couldn't be more excited.

All the doubt I had about myself is gone, replaced with conviction. I know, finally, what I am. I'm a woman. My body just didn't get the memo.

Edited for typo correction.