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What the hell kind of bidet were you using? I've got what I'd consider middle of the road shits, and every bidet that I have ever used has been literally a different world from mashing my shit around with a tissue.
Went from like a three-minute process involving a lot of paper to ten seconds, followed by thirty to dry, and usually no toilet paper at all.
Maybe now that you're older you should try it out again? I probably wouldn't have liked one as a kid either, but I also took like one shower a week.
If wiping your ass is a three minute process involving mashing shit around, then you're the sloppy shit person I'm talking about. I'd want a bidet if that happened to me too.
For me wiping is one to clean and one to polish. First sheet gets stained slightly brown (but no actual shit on it, because that's in the toilet), second sheet comes away clean. It's a five second process.
It's a freestanding ceramic bidet plumbed in to hot and cold water, the kind everyone is saying is the best. Lived there up through my 20s. Waddling over to it to wash and then dry was an utter waste of time.
I can't help but imagining you walking around with a shitty ass all the time. When you get poop on your hands do you just wipe it with a napkin and call it good or do you wash your hands?
Also the freestanding bidet seems to be the minority these days compared to those mounted on/in the toilet itself.
I wash my hands because I use my hands to manipulate objects, touch my face and prepare food. Perhaps you perform these tasks with your anus?
If I had a sphincter on my hand with shit inside it, which occasionally farted or shit came out, and washing it would never actually make it hygienic because it's not a hermetic seal and bacteria from the shit inside would always be on it anyway, then yeah I'd just wipe it with paper. And use the other hand
Sorry, I didn't realize that you had some prior medical issue that left you with nothing but a loose sphincter on your backside with no other tissue around it. Does it hang down like a tail? Now I understand why you do so little cleanup.