Linux

No, that's a coincidence. I wanted something that: started loud, was easy to recognise, I don't mind hearing, and my neighbours don't listen to. Wicked World it is.

Here's the code by the way, with the echo translated:

lvxInternetCheck () {
	while [[ $(ping -c 5 8.8.8.8 | grep -o "100% packet loss") == "100% packet loss" ]]
		do echo "No internet at $(date +%R)." ; sleep 300
		done
	echo "Internet came back at $(date +%R)."
	cvlc /[redacted]/08\ -\ Wicked\ World.mp3 
	}

It's dirty but it works. (My functions start with "lvx" to avoid the tiny chance that they might clash with system functions.)