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When dating, "Just be confident" is just bad advice if you ask me. (lemm.ee)

submitted 6 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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"Being confident" is dangerously close to straight up bothering people. Plus it only really works if you're good looking.

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[–] [email protected] 16 points 6 months ago (1 children)

I think it's been conflated with simply "having self-esteem". So many guys (and a few women), are just so meek and weird about flirting or even just having casual conversations with the opposite sex. Like they see themselves as a social burden, but they just have to approach and give weird compliments anyway.

Like, you've seen sorta fugly people with attractive partners, right? Or two not-so attractive people dating? Someone had to make a move, and those people had self-esteem / confidence.

Confidence isn't just reserved for the physically attractive. It's ok to value other aspects of yourself and derive your self-worth from that.

If you're bothering people who turned you down already, or you're too unaware to notice, then that's a different problem altogether. I've seen plenty of guys with zero confidence linger in a convo they thought was going somewhere.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 6 months ago

The tricky thing I've noticed in myself is, feeling like a bother or a burden makes me a bother or a burden. Going in feeling like they will be bothered makes me act in awkward ways that is a bother to others. Trying to enter a conversation despite feeling like I'm going to be a burden is similar, I'm just relying on their charity or hoping they don't notice that I'm a burden. Super awkward.

Entering a conversation believing they want to talk but also willing to leave if the vibes aren't right seems to be the best balance for me.