chat

Comrade, not having a sense of belonging is awful. I want to say what you wrote, the feelings and sentiments expressed touch upon my earlier experiences. I recall in my local org a comrade said "we need to recruit more communists since no one else will be my friend or date me." It was an unfortunate situation for that and other comrades. There is a contradiction, being for and of the people (in my part of the imperial core, comrades are not distinct nor revolutionary enough to consist of a 'cadre' in any meaningful sense of the word) entails being with the people. Let me explain.

You and the comrades I mentioned in my local org still have liberal brainworms and self-crit is necessary (it is always necessary, a specific kind is necessary for this affliction) to readily identify with working class people. There need not be an antecedental statement precluding the majority of the population from being friends or potential romantic partners. Without getting to know a person, rejecting them prima facie entails relying on ideas and ideals. As dialectical materialists we must struggle and resolve any kind of idealism which manifests. Recall, even Mao claimed he had believed he was 'clean' when he was playing scholar. So much that he would not carry his own bags and had helpers carry his bags for him. Commenting after that he was wrong to think this way, that only the people can truly be 'clean' (these are lumpenproleteriat, peasants that he is referring to). You are in a similar position, because the people will not, nor can they reject you once you wholeheartedly accept that you are one of them. You have every reason to feel the way you do, likely knowing why will come much later through serious self-crit. I urge you not to take 'low-hanging fruit' as a means of explaining away the material affects which have led to your unsatisfactory and displeasurable current state.

What do I mean, being of the people? I mean adopting the mannerisms to indicate that you are at the very least not a petty bourgeois or labor aristocrat. To give a non-exhaustive list of mannerisms and behaviors I have adopted consciously by watching, investigating and engaging in dialogue with the people:

• Slouching when I walk in construction sites, between alleys in the bigger city near by
• Making slower movements, not turning my head quickly, nor making reactive movements
  • The thinking is, if I am a native of an area, I would be accustomed to things like immediate stimuli (loud sounds are a big one) and not react immediately due to my desensitization
• Making eye contact with workers, and nodding, this tends to work for folks who outwardly identify as men
  • For women I tend to give a small smile, no teeth visible, only for a few moments, it's clear it is not a genuine smile; I do not engage in a way which could be flirtatious, I do not need to give any additional emotional labor or pressure women into being nice if I can manage it; I ensure to let them finish their sentences (I do not want to talk over them); I raise the pitch of my voice, using more words like, 'like', 'uh', 'hmm', 'yeah', 'so'
  • When crossing the street I look the driver who is waiting to turn a very small smile (even smaller than the above, which is usually for any kind of service worker) and I give a nod, not a quick one, I would describe it as moderate
  • Almost always I get a nod back, a small smile back, or a comment back (e.g. 'have a good one', 'take care', 'good morning', 'have a good day')
• In more 'yuppie' locales I change my vernacular, using terms like 'oh my goodness', 'wow', 'oh, really?' whereas I would not say that when I walk by a spot construction workers nearby have their lunch, under a bridge, where I would have a lower or less nasal tone and use shorter sentences

There was much more I wanted to write but I got carried away with a specific class of examples. Apologies for that comrade. When I walk out, there are a number of unhoused which are increasing due to the deteriorating economic conditions, I always feel closer to them than peers who are of similar socioeconomic status. It's true there is not always a pleasant odour, and I do my best never to react as others already do and thus communicate that information to the unhoused folks. I can stomach an unpleasant physiological sensation for several minutes at most, anything to give a resemblance of humanity to those who have it ignored. I have found appreciative eyes and acknowledging comments after working more deliberately to act as such.

Ok about to fall asleep I'm so tired, hope this helps in some way comrade. I wanna say it'll likely get more unpleasant before it gets better vis-à-vis having a group with which you can identify.