Working on a better relationship after infidelity

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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/oinkerlocust on 2023-10-07 04:28:49.

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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/[deleted] on 2023-10-06 21:13:22.

My husband had a crush on this woman that we were friends with and on group trip this spring he got drunk and openly flirted, pursued, and got handsy with her. It was a very weird situation because the group tended to behave a bit that way, touchy-feely and sexually charged comments, none of which I would welcome or participate in. He clearly crossed lines but everyone but me seemed to blow it off as dumb drunk behavior. She did seem uncomfortable, probably because it was clear I was furious, but also seemed to enjoy his attention even though she was married and her husband was among the group. I obviously knew it was more than drunken flirting and he later admitted to the crush.

Anyway that was the tipping point to me discovering a bunch of behavior on his part that I believe was very much leading up to an eventual physical affair with someone. Online dating apps, egregious porn use, social media accounts set up to make him look single, messaging women online etc. We absolutely had issues with communication and intimacy that led us both to feel very neglected and disconnected. The trip mentioned above was like a lightening bolt hitting our relationship. We both decided we hated where we were headed and have been working on it ever since.

Last week his crush’s husband passed away. I feel horrible for her and I know she is devastated. I can’t help it though as terrible as it sounds one of my first thoughts was ugh, now she is technically single and my husband may really go after her. It’s irrational at this point but I can’t shake it. Not sure what I want out of this post, I think I’m just venting.

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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/Gilaridon on 2023-10-06 14:31:55.

So I point blank asked my SO today if she felt any sort of intimate feelings towards me anymore and she gave me a plain "No". It was expected. It was suspected. All she did was confirm it. We are stuck living together for financial reasons until at least Summer 2024 but with the way things are going now R may be totally out of the question.

I really wanted R but it it seems like she never really did and was just being a friend. I'm glad we are friends but looking back on these last few years it really does look like a case of unrequited love. I wanted her in ways that she no longer wants me. How foolish of me.

I'm just tired now. Ya'll have a good one.

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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/Outrageous_Isopod839 on 2023-10-06 10:26:09.

Today, I was down spiraling with thoughts and discussing with my wayward wife why she bathed and freshened up when she went to her AP.

A bit of background: The affair has been going on for the first 4 years, mostly involving car parking sex. Her latest year of the affair(5 all together) AP is divorcing and moving out.

My WW carries her panties with her, a pillow to his home. She buys candles, flowers and diffusers with essential oils.

I accused her of feeling at home there, not hesitating to bathe after sex, using his towels, and then leaving. I said she was very committed to it.

She started denying that she was committed, which led to great anger on my part, and I left the house. I feld lied and trickle truthed.

When I returned, there was a note on my desk from her that read:

"If you went to a hotel to sleep with someone and had the opportunity to freshen up afterward and return, wouldn't you do it?

I didn't feel at home, and I didn't show commitment by freshening up.

I'm really sorry."

To which I replied on WhatsApp:

"NO, I wouldn't!!!

If I had a fling and lacked commitment, I would go to her home, have coffee, have sex, and leave, and then wash up at home.

I wouldn't use her bathroom, her towels, make myself coffee like I'm at home. Let alone bring my own boxers to change into and buy flowers, candles, diffusers, and oils.

I wouldn't carry a pillow to sleep on in her home.

It wouldn't be comfortable for me to be naked there, let alone go in and out of the bathroom.

I would know I have a home and a child at home, and I would know that this is a just 'dirty affair and sex,' and I would deeply regret it.

And the last thing I would do is take her to my home. I wouldn't show her my child's room, let alone have sex with her in his bed.

I wouldn't cuddle with her in the living room and in the bathroom. I wouldn't play 'our favorite song.' with her and asking for sex on my child bed.

NO, I wouldn't!!

The fact that you think this isn't commitment speaks poorly of you."

I will be happy to hear what you mean about the situation.

I would appreciate opinions on the matter.

Thank you!

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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/Super_Joe1 on 2023-10-06 00:27:07.

10 years ago, my fiancé had an affair before we got married. She told me that it was a ONS and was a mistake, and appeared very remorseful. She was distraught over what she did and whether I would stay with her. We worked through it with MC both before and after we got married.

Looking back, I have now have reason to believe that she cheated at least one more time before discovery. She denies it, and her story remains consistent with what she told me after the initial discovery. The problem is, there are details that don't add up. I really think that she did cheat again. In fact, I am almost certain of it. No matter how I try and discuss it with my now wife, she continues to deny any additional cheating. she is getting to the point where my apparent distrust is causing real problems in our relationship. She is threatening to leave if I continue to bring this up. We have continued to see the same MC we saw prior to our wedding. Our MC is aware of all the details, and believes that my wife only cheated once before we got married. Regardless, our MC tells me that, for better or for worse, I have gotten everything I will get out of my wife as far as answers.

I think that she did cheat more than once, but when I discovered she only admitted to one incident only. She would never admit to anything more out of fear that I would not have gone through with the wedding. I thin that, even now, she is hanging on to that story because she is afraid I will leave her.

My MC asks me this question: even if my wife did cheat more than once prior to getting married, would that make me leave the marriage now 10 years, and 3 kids later? Admittedly, I am not so sure that I would leave even if additional cheating came to light. Not that I wouldn't be devastated, but I am just not sure it would be worth throwing everything away for something that has not been much of an issue for the past decade. I have had absolutely no issues trusting her since we got married, and generally speaking we have a good relationship. I don't want to blow up my life, family, etc. for something that I may not even be right about. After all, it is possible that my wife really is telling me the truth!

The problem is that not knowing for sure what happened is eating at me. I would rather have the full truth than always be questioning what really happened. It looks like I have all the "truth" I am going to get, however.

So my question is: how do I live with this? How do I learn to truly forgive my wife for what happened before we got married and focus on the woman she has been since our wedding? We have lived a lot of life since the affair. It is in the past, but I would be lying if I said that it did not still hurt. I love my wife, but true forgiveness has continued to be very difficult. Assuming that I am right, and she really did cheat more than once, how do I find forgiveness?

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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/strangled_spaghetti on 2023-10-05 20:33:30.

Before all of this shit happened, I held my spouse really high on a pedestal. He’s very accomplished, and has great control over himself with most things (I struggle with my weight, for example, and he does not).

When infidelity reared it’s head (a year before he came clean, and in the 6 months since DDay), I’ve had a tremendously hard time reconciling this person I thought so highly of with what he did.

Surely I must be mistaken. Surely there was no way he could have done this.

That cognitive dissonance was very strong (and painful!) for a long time, and we were talking two days ago and I actually explained that piece to him.

He said this to me:

“[Strangled_Spaghetti], I cheated on you, and I’m sorry. There is no question that I cheated. So you should accept that fact and move forward with it.”

At first I didn’t understand why he was spelling things out so clearly for me, but then I understood. It was actually a kindness. The facts are not in dispute, and there’s no need for me to keep torturing myself that he couldn’t have done this horrible thing.

I’m so incredibly grateful to him for giving me those words. It’s liberating in a way. I feel less stuck, and like we can actually move forward.

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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/ForeverChanged0623 on 2023-10-05 16:00:13.

Well it’s been a rollercoaster this week, that’s for sure. My WH and I got into a huge fight last Thursday because once again he doesn’t understand how I cannot let go the fact that he manipulated my reality about his feelings for me, while in the affair by telling me he loves me and wants to be with me, and now wants me to believe that he checked out and wanted a divorce during the time, all the while I kept asking during the affair if he still loved me and wanted to be married and he said yes.

I’m sorry, you can’t just expect me to undo the manipulation and gaslighting you did to my reality in just a short amount of time.

He brought up legal separation again, so I served him paperwork on Tuesday, because I’m done being led by him. He then said he wanted a divorce instead yesterday, but since I had a solo appointment with our marriage counselor, he would see what she thought.

She definitely thinks we need to not do marriage counseling right now and for me to do EMDR with her due to my PTSD, and he needs to do severe trauma therapy for his CPTSD. His tolerance level is about 5% right now. If there is a “tone” in conversations between him and I, he thinks it’s a fight and gets extremely triggered.

So we are doing a stricter in-home separation to keep it stable for our daughter and will be limiting most conversations between us and our time together. I was planning to move out, but that might cause our daughter more anxiety, since she seems pretty stressed right now with unfortunately hearing our fights.

Every day I have no idea what the day will bring and it’s pretty darn tiring and stressful.

Only bright spot is that my WH has FINALLY decided to read books on how the affair has affected me. He is extremely conflict avoidant and doesn’t want to truly see what he’s done to me mentally, because that would mean he hurt someone that he used to love beyond reason in ways he never wanted to and became someone he never wanted to become. Hopefully the books give him insight and he can become a safer partner to me. Hopefully the books are able to convey to him what he’s not able to handle through my explanations of pain.

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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/Effiiiie on 2023-10-05 14:23:49.

I feel like I'm being dramatic about what my WP did and I wanted some other people's perspectives. He was on dating apps (and paying for premiums), texting other girls on social media and following only fans models for a little less than a year of our two year relationship. He made plans to meet with girls multiple times but always cancelled on them and never actually met up with any of the girls. I'm unbelievably heart broken and my WP is doing everything he can to change for R but I keep wondering if I'm being too dramatic and what he did wasn't that bad or if he did indeed cheat and my reaction is proportionate.

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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/JumpIntelligent707 on 2023-10-05 04:38:31.

And now I just feel so drained, so empty. Throwaway account because my spouse knows my main page now.

Last DDay was April of 2022. We have been really good lately. No arguing, no talk of the affair. I’ve been in a really good place mentally. Really healing. But tonight, I don’t even know what happened. For context since you don’t have my history on this account, I’m female (BS), he is male (WP). He cheated on me with his ex wife for 1.5 years.

Things have been so freaking good lately. But tonight, he got a text from one of our employees (we both are managers at the same company). He was changing our son so I picked up his phone to answer the text. I clicked on the message on the locked screen so when I put it in the passcode, it took me straight to that one message to read and reply. As I’m replying, our boss texts him as well asking a question. I finish my reply then I swipe back to go to his message list so I could answer my boss because I knew the answer. I told him our boss texted and asked if he wanted me to respond so there was no snooping or shadiness or anything going on.

When I went to the message list, the third name down under the two I had just been in was his ex wife. He had 3 unread messages from her. I opened them. I couldn’t help it. It was like panic mode instinct. I quickly read through their conversation. They have a son together as well so they do talk occasionally still. But normally he tells me when they do. Their conversation was completely innocent. Not a single sexual or lovey thing in the messages that I read from today. The first part was him checking on his son to see if he was feeling better (he had been sick) and the other half was just a general conversation about something. Y’all, I lost it. I got up and handed him his phone and said “Allie texted you back. Don’t worry, I already read it all” and I left and went to the shower. I was having an emotional panic attack. I was standing in the shower shaking and crying and scratching my skin and pinching myself. If you had seen me, you would think I was strung out on meth. That’s how uncontrollably anxious I was. I kept talking to myself just saying “I don’t want to be blindsided again. I don’t want to be cheated on. I know he’s going to cheat on me again. I can’t do this, I can’t do this”. I’m saying these same lines over and over. Crying, holding my head with my hands. Literally having a panic attack. All because I saw her name and saw them having a conversation about something other than their son. That was an hour ago. I’ve calmed down but I just asked to be alone for awhile.

I’m so sad. I don’t want to feel this way forever. How could all my positive feelings over the last few months be instantly erased by just seeing them text? I don’t know what to do. How am I ever going to be okay if I have a panic attack over an innocent conversation?

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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/funsizerads on 2023-10-05 06:24:15.

4 Months 3 Weeks Post D-Day

I was going through his work bag to look for pens and instead I pulled out 1 unopened condom. My entire body froze.

Usually this would have triggered me. This would have angered me and I'd have assumed that he's planning to hook up on his next work trip.

But this time was different. My brain immediately thought this must be from the time he met AP2 in June because he said he's going to work on-site, and I remember he took his bag with him.

I didn't need to comb through our shared bank accounts or our phone usage. I already knew in my gut this wasn't for someone that he's planning on meeting with. It was from when he met with AP2 in June.

What made me not spiral? He spent the week holding me before we fell to sleep, making love when we wake up, texting me how much he loved me throughout the day (knowing that I need to just feel more secure with him), plus when I found the condom, at that moment he was in his car doing virtual therapy. These past weeks, he's been more determined than ever to make me feel secure.

After therapy, he came in the house and put his arms around me while I was preparing our eldest child's dinner. I just looked at him and asked calmly, "hey why do you have a condom in your work bag?"

He said surprised, "Oh. That's still there? That's from when I met OP2 because I had my work bag with me. Let me throw that out now so you know I don't plan on using it."

He then hugged me and said, "That must have triggered you. I'm sorry I hurt you again."

He didn't gaslight me yelling, "Why are you looking at my work bag?" or "This again?" or "What do you think?"

He didn't pause or stammer trying to come up with a lie to get out of it.

IT STILL HURTS. Don't get me wrong. That condom came from a pack of 3, and only one is left. And I know why. I know the details of how the other 2 were used.

But this time it felt different. It didn't feel recent. I am more secure in his words and in his actions. He said he was proud of us and how far we've come. 2 weeks ago we'd have been yelling and spiraling apart, but tonight we held each other for a long time then we dislodged and continued making dinner.

Thanks for everyone's encouraging words and telling me to not let the triggers overtake the love. I'm grateful for this sub.

(PS, I'm not rug sweeping his infidelity. I'm just not as triggered at the moment because his current actions say he's doing everything he can to keep us together)

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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/kakamouth78 on 2023-10-04 21:10:48.

I vaguely understand the therapy process. Evaluate the degree of damage, stabilize the patient, repair damage, educate patient on methods for preventing or managing future damage. I understand that everyone involved is going through a case by case process and that different degrees of injury require a different degree of priority. I also understand that these are trained professionals who have a duty of care that's exclusive to the patient in front of them.

So how do you handle advice that directly contradicts the advice given to your partner?

WW has been told to demand a break from all talks related to her affair. BH has been told that talking regularly is important at this time. Daughter has been told to be assertive in expressing her feelings.

As the BH, I've turned to half assed journaling and grey rocking for the time being. Our daughter is following her therapist's advice in a universal manner (nothing is held back from anyone). WW seems to have started blame shifting again.

Can we lock the therapists in a room together and make them fight amongst themselves or do we let the family counselor throw her opinion into the ring first?

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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/Revolutionary_Row313 on 2023-10-04 12:04:01.

Today marks exactly 3 months since the truth about the man I was became exposed. 3 months since I broke the heart of the person I love. 3 months since she drove me to my parents house and made me confess to everything. 3 months of reflecting, of worry for her, of waves of guilt and shame.

I’ve shared my reflections a few times here so I’m going to try to not repeat too much.

We have seen each other 3 times since then, and at this stage are not actively reconciling. She is aware of my strong intentions to reconcile, and I am aware she is leaning towards permanent separation. I have a 10 page letter ready to give or read to her when she is ready, filled with apologies not only for the betrayal, but the other ways I failed her as a husband leading up to it, I share my intention to love her in a truly unselfish way, for the first time ever, and I share that I will respect her decision but always love her from a distance should she choose that.

I love this woman, I always have, but my love of self won out when it truly mattered. In those critical moments I thought of me not we. I know she had people who would’ve died to be in my position, but she knocked them back because she loved me unselfishly. I on the other hand chose the easy , selfish way and went to see sex workers because I felt stressed or sad. How backwards is that. I was so incredibly selfish. I choose to love unselfishly every day moving forward. I choose to be open, vulnerable and forthcoming every day moving forward.

I look back on my deluded paranoia of her leaving me, and can’t believe the state of my mind. I was convinced she was leaving me and hated living with me, when she showed so much commitment to be with me. I convinced myself I had to be perfect around the house, at work, with family and socially, but she never asked for that, she just wanted to be married to me, her best friend, her partner in crime, a guy that she knew wasn’t perfect, she just needed honesty, loyalty and unselfish love. She agrees that my brain was not okay in this period.

Unfortunately my decision making and coping was an absolute disaster and I allowed myself to do horrible things. I was given chances to come clean, and the most horrible thing were the lies, the denials and the half truths.

I am now the risky option. But I also believe I’m the safest option. I understand it takes enormous strength to leave, and to stay. I hope she stays but with the way I acted, I would understand if not.

Even initially post dday I handled things horribly. I love bombed, I begged, I tried to self-justify, I reached out only when I needed comfort. I handled everything poorly.

Becoming vulnerable and developing emotional intimacy with her when seeing each other recently has been so powerful the times, and I regret not being open, forthcoming and vulnerable sooner. It’s rewarding to be so open with someone and I can only imagine that deeper levels of emotional intimacy would make physical intimacy even better moving forward, if we ever got to that stage. I compare the beautiful times we shared and I hope to share once more, to the meaningless, unsatisfying encounters with sex workers and I grow even more disgusted by my actions. It’s been encouraging that she’s told me she can see I’ve changed, but I realise that may not be enough for her to give me a chance at a future together.

I see how strong, kind and beautiful she is. More than ever. She has shown more kindness to me over this period than I ever could deserve. She has got on with life and is doing amazingly well with a new apartment, a new job and she’s looking after herself physically, mentally as well. I will cherish every moment I’m allowed to be in her life and communicating with such a wonderful woman.

Something truly powerful has been the love shown to me. I was so scared of my family discovering my issues with porn for a long time, they ended up discovering even worse. I anticipated shame, anger and hatred. They were initially shocked and angry at me, but they chose to love me. Being loved by someone even after they know the worst thing about you, is so humbling and it might be blasphemous to say, but Christlike. As would my wife giving me another chance.

I am confident that with what we have both worked on, that if we gave R a chance, that we would do well. We would build a healthy, strong relationship on the foundations of emotional intimacy, deep connection and understanding of each other.

I don’t know if she knows my reddit account, or what I’ve been saying. But by miracle if you’re reading this BP, just know that I love you so much. I’m becoming better. I’m proud of you and I want you to be happy, no matter what that means for me.

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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/Ok_Serve4076 on 2023-10-04 10:38:48.

Any other BS just sit and wonder how this became their life? I just can't comprehend how quickly I've gone from my dream life to it's all a sham.

Anyway, I've got a couple of things on my mind that I'm struggling with.

I'm coming up to 8 weeks post d-day1. Two weeks ago I told WH that it's over, because he wasn't interested in putting in the effort and I deserve someone who is.

We agreed he'd spend the working week away (his parents) and come back on weekends to help with the house for selling.

That week he went away and less than 48 hours after leaving me he was back with AP.

He spent two nights with her, then came back a changed man. Admitted to it, says it was a mistake, made him realise he wants to work on us and really try and didn't want life without me. He agreed to all my conditions and boundaries he previously wouldn't (which is the reason I ended it).

Now I'm left wondering am I a fool for still being here? Do I give it time to see if he really means it now? He seems completely different. I did say it was over between us so can I hold it against him?

Second issue, his parents knew the affair was going on and I feel a lot of anger towards them, as well as WH. Did anyone else have to deal with building trust with others again and resolving the anger? How did you do it?

I feel like I only have capacity to focus on WH right now, it's hard enough to fix just our relationship. But then his dad's birthday is coming up, and Christmas will be here soon enough. I don't want to see them right now because I'm so angry and hurt but I don't know how to get past it.

If R works I can't avoid them forever. The thing is they don't think they did wrong by hiding it and lying to me which doesn't help.

Quite a long vent there, hope it all makes sense!

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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/Such-Living6876 on 2023-10-04 21:58:04.

I lost. In the end i couldnt save my marriage. Im not sure what happened, and i still don't know if what he did was cheating. Im so lost. Ive lost my family dynamic and my kids 50% of the time.

He asked for a divorce because we cant go back and cant seem to move forward.

This man, over a 9year period of the relationship has sexually explicitly messaged another woman, been fired for sexual harassment (sending a porn image of an erect penis to a female coworker, sexual jokes and comments), tried to set up a dating profile, messaged an ex flirting, messaged 2other women late at night to chat (possibly nothing), watchs porn/cam girls and smoked pot throughout the relationship. Yes he works.

Im not sure I tried hard enough. I dont think i did. I should have just let it all go. Ive failed.

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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/MeringueDry7867 on 2023-10-04 16:16:50.

As the title says, our tumultuous journey of healing finally came to an abrupt end yesterday. I was telling him that I had a really difficult day and needed to feel like he was there for me. He tried, he really tried but I needed more because I just need him to go the extra mile while we continue to heal from the multiple DDays. He was frustrated I felt sad, one thing led to another and I am asking him if he even wants to be with me anymore and he said no. I broke down I kept saying that after everything that we have been through this is where he gets off? I kept repeating how I stood by him when he betrayed me and yet the days Im struggling due to financial stress and an illness in the family I am suddenly too much?

I pathetically kept calling him because I was in disbelief and finally he picked up and confirmed that he didnt want me anymore or anything to do with me.

I feel so pathetic that he is the one that gets to walk away and Im the one wrapped up in a blanket with puffy eyes because I spent all ray crying. I love him so much and to feel like he just got rid of me like our love meant nothing just breaks my soul. Gosh I even woke up and kept looking at his contact thinking that any moment now he would call me telling me he missed me and just felt overwhelmed. But nothing came and nothing will come.

I barely held it together through all the DDays but I did because I believed he could be better; that we could be better. Im in so much pain. I thought we would be one of success couples but instead Im here breaking down and unable to get out of bed.

For those who have not made it through R, how did you did it? How did you guys pick yourself up again?

My friends and family opposed reconciliation with him after DDay so I dont really have anyone I can share my pain with that wont reply with an "I told you so". I really need someone right now.

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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/chasingcharliee on 2023-10-04 13:56:26.

Am I wrong for having decided months ago we will never go to any of the places that she took her affair partner? For context this is a cocktail bar where we went on our first date, have had multiple birthdays and celebrations there and is walking distance from our house. She took her affair partner there, and was apparently convinced that eventually I'd get over it and decide to go there with her again. I said how disrespectful I found that assumption and reconfirmed that I would never go there. Ever. Again. Am I wrong? Should I just get over it? There is another special place to us, a waterfall JUST around the corner from our house, which she also took her AP to. Again I said I'll never go there again. It means we have to avoid the place when walking our dog. Am I wrong?

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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/SuccotashCrazy9040 on 2023-10-04 12:56:36.

In every way to every part of your body, mind and soul.

Sometimes I miss ignorant bliss. Sleeping peacefully, waking to a new day that isn’t tinged with shades of distrust and that pain of knowing.

Working on R is draining, and there can be moments of happiness but up to this point the overall feeling is of being weary. Your heart hurts, your self esteem is non existent. Except when the clouds part and you feel that sunny window of confidence. Little rays of hope. But there’s a system always stirring to the East, threatening to turn your life back into survival mode if another huge storm hits your relationship.

I’m tired. I’m thinking about taking a me vacation away from everyone. I don’t know if it would recharge me. The idea of it seems nice. But no matter where I wake up or who is with me or not, it’s still that same slap in the face reality every day since dday. Every day questioning, working to cope, trying to forgive; and keeping everything else going. Work. Therapy. Exercise. Kids. Pets. And typing that is exhausting. I have made progress though. Maybe I should refocus on what I have achieved instead. I could care less about the AP and am no longer even thinking about her. I’m physically healthy despite my mental health challenges. I’m caught up on laundry! Srsly I’ll take wins where I can find them. Anyway I woke up tired and these were my thoughts. Hopefully today is a sunny day.

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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/SlateRoof on 2023-10-04 10:33:35.

We're 7 months out and I'll be brutally honest now. We're better than we've ever been and I'm healed. I sleep well, I don't have triggers anymore because there is nothing to trigger. Whenever I think about it, I just say thanks brain for wanting to keep me safe but I already am. Then I move on and it doesn't affect my mood at all. I even thought about the affair and the worst things on purpose during sex and it did nothing to me. You probably know what I'm getting at. Lately I've also been excessively browsing this sub and supportforwaywards and I think I do it because I want (sic!) to be pulled back into this world. I tell myself it takes 2-5 years according to experts and the people on here. I can't move on after 7 months, can I?

But why can't I? I've forgiven her, I couldn't be any happier with the person she's become, I love the marriage we have now and there is no more pain. She isn't healed yet. There's still lots of shame, guilt and self-loathing. But she's in therapy and a couple of days ago she's managed to show herself some grace for the first time when she was triggered badly.

And here I am. Holding onto this in secret with no reason to do so. This is a shitty club but all of you mean a lot to me. I don't think there are many places where you can find this much support and compassion. I need you to do your magic one last time. Please tell me how to walk out the door and get lost. Please tell me it's OK and tell me you hope to never see me again.

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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/mslaurasaurus on 2023-10-04 04:21:45.

The person who she was cheating with basically said she didn’t want to talk to her anymore so she’s been forced to mourn that relationship and put in the work here with me. This is something I begged for, but she just wasn’t capable of quitting that relationship until now.

I feel her growing and getting better and I have this weird feeling like I’m being left behind. I don’t know what to do with this feeling. I used to have a secure attachment, and I’m used to being the healthy, level-headed one in the relationship, but now I find myself being a person I don’t recognize and saying things that aren’t loving. I’m being petty. I’m angry. I want someone to feel my hurt. But why do I feel this way? I got what I wanted - she’s focusing on us. The other girl is gone. She’s helping around the house. She’s wanting me physically. And I’m crying in the car for hours. And picking fights. And pulling away at advances for intimacy.

She’s wanting to go to concerts, and therapy, and meditating. I feel like I’m bullying her for wanting to move on, to live life. I want to move on too. I want us to move on together. But I can’t. So many things are triggering to me, and it’s like she has just forgotten. When I bring it up, she wants me to drop it, and that just makes me want to dig in deeper and sit in my pain - you don’t get to just do this to us and then have a good life that’s not fair. Even worse is when she hears me and says yeah that’s fair. Because I can feel her healing and feel myself getting stuck if that makes sense. Every time she decides she’s going to buy something or start a hobby to better herself, I get a little sad. Because I’m like yes find yourself, stop being codependent, but like…the person who was immature hurt me - and I never got to settle things with her. You’ve grown now, and we never addressed it.

Does anyone else have experience with this. What do you do. How do you move on yourself.

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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/Earthviolet76 on 2023-10-04 03:03:10.

9 weeks past DDay. WH had a six month long affair with one woman and a one night stand with a second. AP #1 has been kind of a constant worry, because she will text me from burner numbers and email WH. We blocked her main number and her email on all of his accounts, blocked her on socials, etc. But today, she called and texted him from a burner number.

AP#2, I didn’t think of as an issue, but we blocked her on his phone. I forgot to block her through our carrier. She’s started texting and then sending messages through mutual friends. She cornered me in the restroom of a local establishment a few days ago and tried to be friendly. I told her to cut the shit because I know everything. She proceeded to block me on socials. But yesterday, she texted WH want by to talk.

I’m really trying to keep my cool, but it would feel amazing to put them both on blast on socials, or to text them from a burner number and tell them to leave us the hell alone.

I don’t know if I want advice, reassurance, or just support. I’m so angry, all over again.

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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/Delicious-Lie2145 on 2023-10-04 06:09:20.

I (38F) have been asking WH (38M) to get IC since dday.

Actually, when dday happened, WH told me “I will do anything. ANYTHING. Get counseling by myself. Done”

We did quickly enter MC and R has been amazing.

But every time I’ve asked him to do IC he’s resisted.

He tells me he knows why he did what he did. We were unable to communicate our needs and he felt lonely. AP came along and he had an affair because he wanted to.

He never thought about how it would hurt me because he was selfish and jstified it all in his head to make him the victim so he didn’t feel the guilt and shame that he says is very present now.

He says he will never do this again because he never wants to hurt me like this and never wants to feel this shitty about himself. And that we’ve learned to communicate and be vulnerable so he will come to me if something is missing or needing work.

I can appreciate all of this but I can’t accept “because I wanted to” as the bottom line and not explore what made him give himself the permission to do what he did.

BS, how have you been able to reason with truly remorseful WS who can’t see that there is a deeper issue beyond the surface level excuse for the affair?

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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/fartmitten on 2023-10-03 05:42:08.

This is a positive reflection/update for the most part. Just want to let people know, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I was not healthy prior to the infidelity, mentally or physically. I had a very traumatic childhood, which I never got therapy for. I abused alcohol for many years. I also over ate and cared very little for my physical health. During the pandemic I became work from home and got even more depressed and gained more weight and starting abusing alcohol even more. In the summer of 2022, I discovered that my wife was sexting other men, and at the very least hanging out with them. She maintained that nothing physical happened, but that's not important at this point.

I freaked out. I was at my lowest point ever. I couldn't even go 30 seconds without intrusive thoughts. I was on the verge of doing something terrible. I finally sought professional help. I saw a therapist who did talk therapy with me and also referred me to a psychiatrist. I scored as badly as you can possibly score on the depression test. I started taking sertraline for my depression, PTSD and intrusive thoughts. I also started seeing another therapist for EMDR therapy for my PTSD. And my wife and I both started seeing a LMFT for couples therapy.

Now, there were many hiccups on the road to recovery. It's kind of funny to look back on now, but my wife did literally the opposite of what you're supposed to do during reconciliation. I read several books about reconciliation and watched hours of videos about affair recovery. There was one video I watched that was like "these are the worst things you can do in recovery", and she did literally everything on the list. My friends that I reached out to for advice all said to divorce. Even my therapist told me during one of my sessions "I'm not your couple's therapist, but if you want my opinion, RUN". But you know what, I didn't run. I stuck by her side and I feel like we're both in a better place for it.

Since treating my depression, I've started focusing on my health. I went to the doctor for the first time in about 15 years for a physical exam. I started to count my calories, eat healthier, exercise, and quit drinking. I'm currently 8 months sober, 70 pounds down on the scale. I'm in the best shape of my whole life. I ran two 5k's last month. I go to the gym and lift weights about 5 days a week. I went to the doctor again last week and got my bloodwork done again. My blood pressure went way down, my cholesterol went way down, my blood glucose improved, triglycerides improved, my snoring improved.

In an odd way, my wife cheating on me saved me. It gave me a wakeup call that I didn't know I needed. If that didn't happen, I'd probably have kept up all my bad habits. I was on the road to heart disease, diabetes and sleep apnea. And if you're wondering about her, she's doing great also. She is also going to the gym for the first time in her life, she's also lost weight and has been sober with me. She hasn't drank alcohol or smoked weed in about 8 months either. She really benefited from the therapy too. It took a while, and yes there was a few months at the beginning that she was still denying, deflecting, and projecting, not taking responsibility for her choice. That was the roughest patch. But after about 6 months of couples therapy, her defenses finally came down and she became really open and remorseful.

It was a bad experience for both of us. BUT, we're both healthier now. Both physically and mentally. And our relationship is stronger now than it was before.

Edit to add a couple things. We have no plans for splitting up now, but even if we did, I could handle it now. If we split up before, I would have probably drank myself to death or done myself in another way. Now I'm happy, more confident than I've ever been before in my life. Actually my wife got the worst of it. My suffering is over, but she's still dealing with ongoing remorse and lost some friends over it. That's the only negative we're still facing is judgment from other people.

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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/chicken-lady100 on 2023-10-03 23:42:38.

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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/Bitter-Economics-975 on 2023-10-03 13:49:27.

DDay was 9 years ago today, DDay 2 was Wednesday.

Turns out I never got the truth from 9 years ago. There was another AP, and they kept in contact all these years :(.

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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/dolemiteX on 2023-10-03 14:57:52.

So long story short, DDay 1 was 2 years ago. DDay 2 was just under a year ago. As of yesterday, I discovered that they have started talking again, sort of.

At the beginning of september, I noticed a change in her attitude and red flags galore. I did a bit of spying and discovered a short email string between the two. Apparently she had sent the AP pictures of her sister's vacation and the talk proceeded from there. It is apparent that the AP was caught off guard, but as things go with infidelity, it took all of two seconds for the AP to start laying on the charm, the I love you and always will, etc. My WW responded with how great of a man he was and how he fullfilled her in every way. She didn't say she loved him, just that she wished she could have been the one to give him what he needed and deserved. The very next response in the email string was him telling her goodbye and that he would always love her and be there for her, and that he didn't know if his current relationship was going to work out.

This was all off to me as it feels like there was a phone call or something in-between the 2nd and 3rd messages.

Anywhoo, they haven't emailed or texted since that I can find,nir can I find any call logs. I am deeply hurt by how she feels about him, but I also feel like there was some closure for them as well. Maybe I am just hoping on a prayer. I don't know what to do or how to feel, and if anyone has been in something like this, any advise would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.