this post was submitted on 24 Apr 2024
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Imposter Spectrum (ttrpg.network)
submitted 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
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Tell me if any of you relate to my ramble:

I thought I was good at socializing. I can be quiet charming, actually. And I actually really love the linguistics of social interaction, both verbal and nonverbal, even though it trips me up a lot.

I'm stuck on the concept of using an apology as an opening. Like, "I'm sorry I haven't been able to reply sooner" in an email. To me it's not actually an apology, no one's done anything wrong, and the other person isn't even inconvenienced in this case. It's just a polite greeting, a buffer before the actual content. But it's awkward when they reassure me I don't need to apologize, which I already know. Even though I'm aware that's just a "correct" way to reply to an apology in as casual a manner as I gave it. It's just like a mutual acknowledgement that unexpected time has passed.

So I think, look how much I know about weird unspoken social rules! I can't actually be autistic, right?!

As if laying in bed deliberating the off-label use of apologies in conversational transition and filler, while mentally rehearsing an email I hope to write tomorrow and puzzling over the least important but most concerning part (the greeting) isn't autistic as hell.

No, no, the frequent sensory overload and nonverbal shutdowns have no weight here.

Anyway, thanks for reading and happy stimming!

Edit: I'm okay on the wording/apologizing thing and don't need advice (though I appreciate the effort all the same)! I wrote this post oddly but the point was imposter syndrome about autism and the apology thing was just an example.

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[–] [email protected] 3 points 8 months ago

I heard some advice a while back that was along the lines of, "stop apologizing and start thanking," and I feel like it's positively impacted how I phrase things.

Instead of asking forgiveness and moving the conversation into them feeling they have to defend their values on the spot, showing gratitude for their understanding actually makes people feel more valued. "Thank you for your patience" is an entirely different vibe than "sorry I didn't get back to you" and puts much less burden on them. It shows you care about their time without making the focus about your failings and whether or not they agree they are failings.

It's subtle, but I find it's made a huge difference for me.

I also agree with others, in my experience apologies should be reserved for regret and actual feelings of penitence. It's actually a very strong value of mine nowadays, and it certainly makes me much healthier.

Just some thoughts about what I've learned about this particular situation, it's up to you how valid you think they are.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 8 months ago (2 children)

The frequent over apologizing was a thing I had issues with as well. I focused on stopping because I realized it can be negative for those you communicate with.

Apologies are hard to reply too. So if your apologizing all the time your are putting a burden on them to acknowledge it. This can strain communication over time.

Also, like other things, overuse of apologies weakens them. If your a little more picky about when to apologize it will make them more genuine. This is also why I avoid yelling and cursing. So when I do those things, the expression has some potency.

Lasty it's unprofessional in written communications. This is probably a more controversial opinion. But for the reasons above and because it can make your communication less concise. In the professional environment being clear and concise is more important then being polite. (Though you still need to be polite).

The added bonus is that doing this will make you sound more confident.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 8 months ago

I completely agree. This is why I was agonizing over the email! The whole "It seems polite to say it" vs. "I must avoid needless apologies."

For the times I feel tempted to over-apologize out of insecurity or shame, my favorite apology replacement strategy is saying thanks instead.

"Thanks for waiting" instead of "Sorry that took so long."

[–] [email protected] 1 points 8 months ago

So if your apologizing all the time your are putting a burden on them to acknowledge it. This can strain communication over time.

This is very important. While unintentional, asking for sympathy at the start of and during every interaction is leaving less room for polite criticism, and less room for people to express annoyance without being an asshole.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I am also quiet charming. Mostly by being unspoken.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 8 months ago

(silent appreciation for this comment)