this post was submitted on 19 Nov 2023
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I've noticed friends chose their faith themselves. I've lost four really good friends, that I've known for 15+ years, by them just not talking to me anymore. That's it, no angry shout-out, no "oh you changed a lot", no complain about me trying to contact them or any remarks on why they might not want to hang out with me. They just never go online anymore and don't reacting to the phone to trying to hang out. I know they aren't dead, as other people I still know are in contact with them.
My conclusion is, that a lot of people don't know anymore what friendship is and that they destroy this themselves until they are old but have no one left to hang out with but shallow TikTok level of friendships.
I am that friend that vanished that you are describing.
In my case, I tried talking to the friend that bothered me ( an unmedicated ADHD alcoholic mess of a friend) he told me to fuck off.
I even stopped hanging out with my old group of friends that involved this guy that I described because it became this: male anger space to vent off, suicide jokes, complain about work, glorify alcohol, try out different types of drugs. No, thank you, I don't want to do a live action of Rick n Morty.
There is no talking with a group where everyone decided to stay together on a shitty decision. I tried once and they got really angry and made me the wrong one for going to the gym, waking up early, quitting alcohol, etc.
I still keep in touch from afar and now, almost 10 years later, some of them are saying " yeah, the doctor told me to drop the alcohol", " yeah now I found the right meds for me and I aint as angry"
Everybody goes at their own pace, but expecting other friends to stay with you during this journey is ludicrous.
I went my way and although it hurt, sometimes its the best thing you can do for your mental health and integrity
Oh sure. I'm totally with you on this. Difference is I'm no alcoholic nor do things that have a bad influence on people, nor were my friends addicts.
If anything, I'm a better person than 10 years ago because I'm less depressed, more happy, Way easier to talk to, do sports, friendlier, don't talk about politics much anymore, don't put myself on a pedestal, and way less aggressive. So that people stop wanting to be my friends hurts a lot, because everything I do and the person I am, is a much much better person and I worked so hard on that.
I don't and can't believe people liked my asshole self more than me now. And these people that stopped talking to me are also good people. It's absurd.
I don't know you or your friends, but I do know that everybody goes through their own shit. You shouldn't look at it as a reflection on you. Maybe at some point you can reach out to some of them or they'll surprise you and do the same. I'm of the opinion that true friends i.e., the ones who've stuck through it with you no matter what in the past, where those bonds were formed early, are pretty permanently going to be there in the future when you call on them or need them. Give it some time and don't be hard on yourself. As someone who probably has ADHD, that and other mental illnesses drain people's ability to maintain relationships down, unless they're in close proximity or a spouse, and even then it is hard.. I'm supposed to get up and call the bank to sort a problem for my wife and I and I just wanna lay in bed and dick off because I'm tired. Life is tiring man..
I feel you.
On your 3rd paragraph, I also have no idea why this happens, but we are not the only ones. Maybe people get the idea we became too self-centered?
I cannot comment on you because I don't know you, but in my case, if I were to be self-critic, I always focus too much on my career, wife, hobbies, household chores, family... friends were always the last priority on my schedule. People pick up on that quickly, idk.
I do have some friends though who are low maintenance and with these I find its much easier to keep friends with. We can go 6 months without seeing each other and its still fun to get together.
I appreciate the insight, I'll reflect on that.