this post was submitted on 27 Sep 2023
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Have you guys ever feel pressured to spend time with your friends? I need to dedicate time to my personal projects, so that doesn't leave me with a lot of time for games and fun. I recently returned to Valorant, and while I don't have time for aim training, I am totally fine with that(I used to play the game quite seriously).
But things are different when I have to spend time with some of my friends. They basically don't have any other hobby, so they only do one kind of activity in their free time. They also don't have a specific someone who can always spend that time with them too, so I ended up being 'that person'. I also got slightly tilted when I heard the line 'I don't like to wait' from one of these friends when she was complaining another friend of mine doesn't respond to messages and isn't active(but another friend and I are kinda okay and we usually just played until he comes?) , and that makes her look selfish because everyone has their own activities, right?
I understand that my friends are stressed from work and they feel lonely, but it's not like I don't experience the same thing... If anything, I have been fighting off my negative thoughts for more than half a year, and it took me that long to finally find a way to flip my mindset whenever it goes bad(and that still doesn't solve all of my problems). Drawing boundaries is one way to solve the problem, but I have lost friends in the past before precisely because I didn't spend enough time(sometimes almost the whole day except my classes) with them, and I don't want the same thing to happen again.
Sometimes I just feel too tired to talk to some of my friends, but I feel too bad saying it to them, so I just take my time replying. I try not to wait for too long, but as I'm now really struggling with a chronic illness, it might take days to get back some days. I've been honest about this with my friends tho, so they'll know and are understanding.
We all need some time for ourselves, doesn't matter if one has an illness, something going on in their lives, introvert, or whatever. It is completely normal and acceptable to just not want to hang out or talk with someone.
Although I understand your friend not wanting to wait for a reply (especially if she's feeling lonely, maybe even depressed, or just needs someone to talk to for any reason or none at all), it is unreasonable to expect people to just drop everything and be there for her.
Having boundaries is definitely healthy, and I don't think you're in the wrong here (not that your friends are either, tho again, her line about not liking to wait does make her sound selfish). I don't know if you've talked with your friends about this, how you need a bit more time for yourself sometimes. If you haven't, maybe that could be a start...
My friends are aware I have a lot of other things to do. I used to mentioned a lot that I'm busy working on my project aka Monyet.cc's Blahaj Bot back when I was spending almost all of my free time on coding. My friends understand if I say I'm busy, but I'm afraid if I say no too many times I'll end up upsetting them. The friend who made the complaint used to spend time with her ex, but her family kept trying to separate them because they didn't like him and they barely talk to each other anymore. Combined with the fact that controlling family also chased away any 'non-educated' friends(?) that she had, she doesn't have a lot of other friends she can play games with. I understand her distress since my family is also quite controlling(albeit to a much lesser extent), although I live in a different state so they couldn't monitor me. (My parents became super upset whenever I talked about my online-turned-IRL friends until they met them. )
It can be difficult, but could you try and trust your friends a bit more? Kinda test the waters with being unavailable to them for some periods of time. Or maybe dedicate a bit more time for your friends? Personal projects can sometimes spiral out of control and you can become obsessed over them, I myself am working on a project as well, and sometimes I work on it unhealthy amounts. Think of what you want and need in life. Is it more time dedicated to work or school or projects? Or would you rather develop relationships and chill with friends? Or something completely different?
I don't know you, and I'm also not a professional in this field (or any field tbh), so I don't mean to come off like I know what is best for you or what you should do. I can only make assumptions based on your post and try to offer some advice. And it is of course up to you what you will do with your life. I would like to ask; do you think you might be sinking in too much time and effort into this project? It is completely valid if it's something you want to do, but you might have to choose between the project and some (hopefully not all!) friends. Maybe you can find the right balance, so that you can keep both. Would it be possible to include your friends in this project? Even just something as small as asking their opinion on something? Or maybe find help from someone else so you wouldn't have to work so much on it yourself.
The situation your friend is in sounds toxic. My parents were always super chill, and now I've been an adult for over a decade, so I've forgotten how the few rules I actually had felt like. I think the only advice to that I have is to just be firm, but understanding with her. Set clear boundaries, but also be there for her when you're able to. You could be a friend that is, maybe a bit distant, but always there if shit really hits the fan.
In the end, do what makes you happy, but remember that social life is also important. We are social creatures, even the most introverted of us. I really wish I would have done things differently and been able to keep some friendships. I'm extremely lonely, even more so now that I had to stop working. I'm stuck in my house, too sick to move somedays, and I don't have a lot of people to talk to. If I lived alone and were to collapse one day, it could take like a week for anyone to really miss me. It's not the worst, there are people who don't have anyone. Just whatever you do in life, don't end up like me.
Both my relationships and projects are of course important. I used to have time for both, but I have been working overtime a lot lately, so I don't have enough time to balance everything as a result(hence the immense stress I am feeling now). I'll give your suggestion a try... thanks for talking to me.
I hope you'll find better and meaningful relationships soon, hopefully with truly good friends.
You're welcome! I hope you find a good balance again, and wish you luck on your project. :)
And thank you.