Why not Nothing, if you don't mind my asking?

I've also thought about Fairphone as my next one.

And I've thought about an iPhone like this too - if you have adblocking via a home router or pihole or some such then why not? Piracy could be done indirectly and just play/stream from Jellyfin or some such. But my thoughts are not well enough along to be of any use to you there, just to say that your ideas don't seem crazy to me. Buttery smooth operation, actually pleasant to hold and use (not burning a hole in my hand after not even a minute of standard web browser usage as my own S22 does, probably bc of my Blokada VPN adblocker?), so long as the downsides can be mitigated.

Pixels seem to be to be entirely too imbalanced to me to include a super expensive camera that I barely use and barely any stats that I actually do (game emulators or whatever) - I really want a Nexus except they don't make those. Even OnePlus doesn't make those flagship killers anymore. I doubt they exist at all tbh.

Another idea is to get like an old OnePlus 7-ish device and just immediately replace the OS with a custom ROM. Fast charging is both good and bad - great utility but leads to heat issues later in the battery's life.

I almost just want a cheap piece of crap dumb phone at this point, so that I don't have to spend hundreds of hours researching every damn thing that the manufacturers are trying to do to me and ways to get around them without leaving (literal!) scorch marks on my hands.:-( But I also want Google Maps and maybe an Uber app in an emergency so that's what holds me back.

So with that I think I've recommended just about literally everything now in this comment... :-P