The Onion

In an appeal to the powerful voting block, Trump told a group of influential Amish megadonors that, if elected, he would make turning on the lights or plugging in an appliance a criminal offense.

Every year.

Thanks, Onion, that does make me feel better.

I’m torn. Both Galadriel and Sauron say the other is a threat to Middle-earth. One has to be wrong, so whom am I to trust? Should I trust the Dark Lord who attempted to topple the White City of Gondor, dominate all life, and attempt to stay in power for eternity? Or do I trust the Elf Queen representing the coalition of Men and Elves who defeated Sauron when he tried to enslave the Free Peoples… but could maybe do more meet-and-greets?

cross-posted from: https://sh.itjust.works/post/26658087

The 2024 presidential election is on track to be the most expensive race in U.S. history. The Onion takes a look at the key facts and figures behind the spending. 

3: People wealthy enough to just straight-up decide election

$2.5 million: Cost of poll showing rural voters leaning red

14: Homeless people that could be provided with their very own F-22 Raptor fighter jet instead

23: Local TV stations living high on the hog right now

18 months: Age at which a PAC fully matures into Super PAC

**$7,000: **Daily rate for voice actor who can say “inflation” in really scary way

$17: Total campaign spending in Wyoming

$112: Tim Walz’s first pair of dress shoes

3%: Cash back in campaign spending you can earn with the Campaign Premiere Mastercard

**12: **Items remaining on Harris’s Amazon wishlist

**2: **Undecided voters that won’t know until another billion spent