No Stupid Questions

I feel you.

I'm in my forties. Lost my job a few months back and it's been a harsh realization that I'm a failure at everything I've ever done.

I don't have any real advice, hell I can't figure my own shit out either. I just want you to know if you need to vent you've got people who understand.

People always flaunt and embellish their accomplishments, especially online. You're comparing yourself to liars and attention-seekers. You gotta find the path that brings you satisfaction, not material reward or approval from your peers.

“Perhaps I'm old and tired, but I think that the chances of finding out what's actually going on are so absurdly remote that the only thing to do is to say, "Hang the sense of it," and keep yourself busy. I'd much rather be happy than right any day.” ― Douglas Adams

I used to feel the same way sometimes, but then I thought about it for a while, and reflected on my own life as well. I see all these people around me that are busy pursuing fancy degrees and high-paying jobs. But at what coast? I thought to myself that following societal norms/expectations does not seem fulfilling or interesting to me at all. Why would I want to do things I don't enjoy, just because it's what everybody else is doing? No. I decided not to worry about it, and just do whatever I feel like doing, regardless of what other people think about it. If you enjoy laying in bed all day, reading Lemmy content, and nothing else, then fine. Do it. You are not wasting your life because you don't do what everybody else is doing. You are wasting your life if you don't do what you want to do, that's it.

I feel the same way a lot, but I realize that the negative feelings are what I associate with my life, not a true reflection of how my life has been.

Maybe I haven't done all the things I've dreamed or used my days effectively; why does that matter in the end? I've been lucky enough to afford a home, food, a loving pet, create friendships, experience love.

Also I tend to underestimate the accomplishments I have done. Having your eyes set on the horizon can cause you to miss the shells in the sand.

Well... no and yes.

No - I don't feel like I've wasted my life. I feel like I'm supposed to feel that way, and I know that many (most?) people looking from the outside in would believe that I have, but I just don't feel that way. I'm content, and as far as i can tell, that's the only thing that matters.

Ah, but there's the rub - I'm content. It sounds as if you're not.

Unfortunately, the only thing I can definitely recommend is to try to assess your own feelings and figure out if you really are discontented or if you're just going along with the idea that you should be.

But if you really are discontented... I guess I could say to try to look at what it is that you really value (which is likely not coincidentally what you've mostly done with your time) and try to actually feel the value in it.

But I have no idea how that's done, since its apparently just something that I do naturally.

Sorry if that doesn't heip...

They likely have their own insecurities and demons as well. Likely have the same feeling as you about others with a different context. Be a hobbyist. Experiment and find your "calling" or passion. I've never personally really tried to pace with people as they are on their own journey as well. Friendly competition has always helped but it was agreed upon items (running X amount of miles a week, getting A,B,C, qualifications together).

The important thing is that you feel satisfied with what you do or achieve. In my family there is a lot of pressure to be “successful” but after a while I decided that I have to be happy with whatever things I can achieve, and believe me, after that change in my mindset, good things began to happen with apparently no efforts. So as other ones are saying, believe en yourself, don’t be so harsh on your past or decisions, and remember that there is no race or goals you need to get, you create your own life.

Funny...as I age I tend to have a similar view. But we're told hindsight is 20/20. The one motivating factor for me is the fact that a lot of what I have accomplished has made a difference to those who have shared in it. Which, to me, means we're doing incredible things people envy just at a different scale. Besides..there may not be a tomorrow, but there is always a today to do something better.

Nah. I look back at Tesla. One of the greatest people to have blessed our planet. Certainly among the top if not the top inventor to have existed. But I don't envy any part of his life.

How about Turing? Another great example. The father of computer science and AI. A great person too. One of the most accomplished human beings, even back when he was alive. I don't envy any part of his life.

I sure have picked unfortunate examples. But these should highlight how success alone isn't enough. I don't think life satisfaction lies in obtaining more, but rather wanting less. If you observe well, you'll notice people living very simple lives and being very happy while at it. How about the wealthiest person, Musk. Does he look satisfied with life and happy? I don't think a happy person would behave that way.

If you have so little, then perhaps you can afford greater risks. If you can't afford greater risks, then perhaps you don't have so little.

What's the point of people inventing all this cool stuff if nobody else sits down to enjoy the improvements though? Think of all the people who are actively RUINING the world right now. As long as you're not one of them, its all good.

My one friend, Rob Antecki, was a scientist and musician on the verge of working towards a treatment to prolong the human life-span, maybe even eventually ending the aging process. He worked his life whole towards that goal! Then one day in his late 40's, he was coming home from the fundraiser for his new biotech startup and whammo, hit another car, died on the spot. He never achieved his goal of ending aging or got his music app company going. His business partners will be lucky if they can even salvage his work because its so high level few people on the planet can understand it.

There's like 10 billion people in the world. If you try to measure yourself against everyone else, well, that's your choice, but there's always a bigger fish. There's also some people who begin the race farther ahead with more money, more connections, family of legacy, etc. Success is not the measure of a soul's worth or a life's pursuit. To better oneself though, it is a noble goal. That is not connected to changing the world, only changing yourself.

From what I’m getting, you see the end point of major goals other people had, and you wonder how you could ever do anything like that.

What you need to do is turn that into a main quest line. In a video game (most of the time) you don’t start with “kill the big boss and save the realm” but every little thing progresses you to that point. The first thing you get as a goal is something stupid simple and abstract like Equip your sword and block some arrows. Eventually all the little side tangents culminate in “Kill the Boss, Save the realm”.

So try to use that principle in your life. Ask yourself a question, what do I need to do right now to do “XYZ”, come up with two things that would help you accomplish it. Now ask yourself, of those two things, is there anything I can do within the next 5 minutes to make that happen. If your answer is no (let’s be honest it most likely is), split each of those tasks into two things that will help you accomplish that minigoal.

Eventually you will have broken the tasks in two enough times you can find your “Equip your sword, Dodge some arrows” and start crawling your way up that quest tree.

A carpenter and his apprentice were walking together through a large forest. And when they came across a tall, huge, gnarled, old, beautiful oak tree, the carpenter asked his apprentice: “Do you know why this tree is so tall, so huge, so gnarled, so old and beautiful?” The apprentice looked at his master and said: “No…why?”

“Well,” the carpenter said, “because it is useless. If it had been useful it would have been cut long ago and made into tables and chairs, but because it is useless it could grow so tall and so beautiful that you can sit in its shade and relax.”

Source: Henri Nouwen, Out of Solitude (Ave Maria Press, 1974, 2004), pages 26-27

Being a kind, generous person, being a good, supportive friend, such things matter so much more than having a startup or some patent. There are plenty of people who have "success" in the latter sense (often because they are good at bullshitting, boasting, marketing) but are - overall - a drain on society and their surroundings in terms of the first.

Without getting super philosophical, what do you believe the goal of life is?

It's very easy to look at people that are allegedly achieving more than us and believe that there is something wrong with us or that we can do more, etc. This type of comparisons invite introspection and can be helpful sometimes to motivate oneself, but most of the times they are a road to depression.

Here is how I look at it: if I died tomorrow would I be okay with who I am? Of course I want to do more, grow, make an impact, etc, but ultimately IMHO life is about whatever you want it to be. There is no ultimate goal, there is no recipe, we ultimately all die.

Enjoy life right now. Don't worry too much about what other people are doing and create your own meaning.

I’ve felt that way a lot in my life. I dropped out of college and lived essentially in my parents basement until my mid 20s. Turns out I had a bad case of undiagnosed depression and ADHD. I kinda naturally worked my way out of the depression mostly. I’ve fallen back in a few times. And that entire time I could think about anything but how little I’ve done with my life. How boring I must sound talking to anyone because I have zero experiences. But about 8 years ago, I got diagnosed and medicated.

I’m just some average guy, now with 2 kids and a wife, and I work 55 hours a week. It took a lot of work and finding good medications for me, but I’m honestly the happiest I’ve ever been. And I recently noticed I don’t dwell on comparing myself to others anymore and it’s been freeing. I don’t need to be distinguished for anything more than being a good father, husband, and human. And that’s enough for me.

If your not enjoying your life, you're probably wasting it.

One of the biggest rules I adhere to that has changed my life is "Nothing is supposed to be anything"

I went to high school with a couple of people who went on to do truly incredible, world class things. Both of then in fields I treated as a hobby / entertainment. Meanwhile, I've been midlevel mediocre at everything.

And I figured out years too late that I completely blew it when it came to three separate relationships, any one of which would have been life changing for the good. I was just very, very stupid and thought relationships came around like a bus service.

Now that I'm much older it grieves deeply me all the things I took for granted. All the missed opportunities. All because of some mix of laziness, lack of a long term perspective, lack of focus, lack of self discipline, and cowardice. Looking back, I realize many of my peers were more mature and focused.

I have to accept that I am a fundamentally unremarkable person and have burned up most of my good years of potential. I try not to dwell on these dark thoughts all of the time. But there's no way to truly come to peace with it.

I don't care much about "leaving a legacy". Just wish I'd made better decisions, especially when it comes to finding and keeping a loving partner.

There are an infinite number of things you can do with your finite amount of time on this earth, so keep in mind you can never do everything! Comparing to other people isn’t productive, but measuring your own satisfaction can be. I’d try making a plan for your leisure time to begin with, and get outside a lot more, nature is so satisfying and calming. Remember that it’s amazing to be here and alive at all, no matter what you’re doing, so try to enjoy every moment with that thought in mind.

Edit spelling.

Don't compare yourself to other people. Compare yourself to who you were yesterday.

Do you have a goal? Set realistic achievable milestones. Come up with a 5 year plan of how you're going to get where you want to be.

100% of my life was wasted.

Between mental health, medical issues, abusive family, abusive girlfriends, etc.

My entire life is a festering black void of nothing.